Here I write about three girls: each of whom I had a crush upon, but the matter went nowhere at all. And about a lady who took my heart away.

Shubha. The name might sound un-Bengali-ish, but it isn’t. It all started around Durga Pujo 2004, when I noticed a pair of eyes was constantly following me around. Well, maybe it was a hypothetical person behind me who was the object of her attraction, but if that hypothetical person were to exist, he/she would’ve had to be invisible to me. But anyway. Back to the story. You see, at that time I was too dumb (with respect to females) to give all this a thought; I simply ignored the glances. It was only later, in February the following year, that I felt there was something I missed. I tried to gather information from my friends, but unfortunately, I landed up with the wrong piece of the puzzle.

You see, she always hangs around with this girl who looks similar to her, and somewhere down my narrative, my trusted friend got confused and gave me a wrong piece of info. He said the girl was Shalini. Very good at acads, and stuff. Which, obviously was very interesting to me, because I’d failed to impress with my 10+2 grades (only to later surpass all by clearing JEE), and a near 90%-er being attracted to me was something that brought a sea change in me. I’d been lethargic with my studies (I was preparing for JEE at that time, with a gap year), but suddenly, I was inspired. I studied hard, and cracked the exam. It was only later that I found out I had the wrong person. The one in contention wasn’t so smart at studies, and was doing BBA at a lowly institute.

But still, a part of the credit for me clearing JEE goes to the person I developed feelings for at that time. The thing is, it was all an aberration. Neither one of the girls deserves any credit in reality.

Back to the story again. Since we could only see each other at gatherings of the local Bengali community (we were complete strangers, by the way), the next time I saw her was during Durga Pujo 2005. This time I was in college, but the situation hadn’t changed at all. She kept glancing at me. But this time, I glanced back. You see, I hadn’t realized till this time that she was actually someone (and something) else. Deary me. This went on, and on the last night of the festival, we had a concert by Abhijeet, Bollywood’s playback singer (who’s kindof a fallen star these days). She was sitting in front of the stage, and I, as a volunteer, was standing beside the stage. Our eyes met every now and then. One after another, Abhijeet dished out love songs, and I lip-synched then looking in her direction. She kept looking my way time and again. Sigh. I now wonder why I did that.

I was amazed by the fact that such a pretty girl (was she really pretty?) had a thing (yeah, right) for me. After all, I was a fat guy who didn’t really look the part. (This was also a phase of my life when I had low self-confidence; something I’ve gotten over. I now agree I look pretty cute, and, as the flab disappears, attractive. Anyway, that’s for Juturna to decide.)

And as it would be, nothing happened afterwards. I never got the guts to go talk to her. And I guess that’s what made her give up (if she was interested in me in the first place, that is) on me. In 2006, when I finally had the guts to scrap her, she replied with “I don’t know you”. And that was it. Down with jaundice, I couldn’t attend Pujo that year, and the matter was consigned to the graveyard. That was my first tryst with the second kind.

Postscript: This year on Pujo, with me leading a drastically different personal life (thanks to lady Juturna), I went to Pujo and swapped roles. This time, relieved of all pressures, I looked at her. And looked carefully. I wonder how, at some point of time, I found the face pretty. It has a perpetual frown, which makes her look old. And she’d grown her hair long, which looked horrible. It’s funny, but she did respond to my glances. However, mine were basically inquisitive glances, while I don’t know what the return glances were about.

As if I even care what they’re about. I have something else to care about. And oh my, that something is quite a handful (blush).